My name is Abubakar Mohammed, mainly known as Baker, and I am a senior Civil Engineering student at Qatar University.
My hobbies include singing, photography, reading, and writing. I have been writing ever since I was 17, but most of my writings were extremely personal and vulnerable, and hence, I never shared them. I have recently decided to share some of my work on my social media and learned that I was able to put many people’s thoughts into words.
I’ve always hated labels and being labeled.
If you’re labeled, you represent. If you represent, you’re responsible for the image you portray of what you represent – an unnecessary burden that no one deserves.
We should have the right to represent ourselves, and ourselves only. Our own thoughts, our own unique combination of life experiences and everything we have acquired from them. Things that truly shape us.
It goes for simple stuff.. like this piece for instance. Is it a poem? An article? A dairy entry? I don’t know, and I believe it shouldn’t concern anyone. What’s irrefutable and what matters is that it comes from me. It comes from my own unique set of thoughts and beliefs.
“Why am I supposed to act a certain way so that a group of people that claim me are not disappointed?” Asked the lady with a brown hair who is known to be a hijabi (label). Asked the kid who was gifted (label) and the artist who is forced to study engineering/medicine for the reputation of their family. Asked the woman who could not marry the man she loves because of tribalism/internalized racism/colourism. Asked the women who were widowed. Asked millions of people who were given the burden of being labeled before they were even conceived, among many others.
I have always felt inadequate. Unworthy of anything I wanted or needed. Maybe that’s why I go overboard showing my love and being extremely kind. Constantly feeling like I need to compensate for my inadequacy. Maybe only then I deserve some of what I have been craving for.
I have people that I genuinely love. All they had to do to earn that unconditional love was nothing but be their true selves. They never impressed me with their talents nor have they benefited me. They never did things I used to do in order to be loved. Everyone deserves that, everyone has that.
But somehow I don’t see myself worthy of something so pure. For me, it’s conditional. When I really like someone, it takes me months to confess to them, not because I’m afraid of rejection, but because I need all this time to convince myself that I might deserve their love.
I was never afraid of rejection. In fact, rejection was the answer I was longing for because it would confirm and reinforce my life-long belief – that I’m unworthy of something so pure. It has always been my comfort hell. A pain that felt good… at least I was right.
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